How to Create a Stirfry of Death

Alternate title: how to teargas yourself and enjoy a lovely meal that may or may not leave your stomach lining in-tact. But that was kind of a long title, don't ya think?

The Beginning of the end:

I was looking for something interesting to spice up an otherwise potentially boring meal of pasta, which for me defaults to stir frying whatever interesting miscellaneous veggies and vegetarian protein I can find in the refrigerator drawer. So between this fact, and the lovely little jaunt I had in the almost-forgotten pepper garden yesterday, you have the story of how I discovered the stir fry of death, the saute of satan, the meal to mace yourself with. Etcetera.

Let's backtrack.

My roommates and I have this cool little garden bed we planted a while back, in the shape of a mandala. It's gone mostly untended in the midst of this crazy holiday season. Thanks to the recent torrential rain, whatever hasn't been picked over or died off still lives: some leeks, a bunch of old rainbow chard, and a plethora of pepper plants: Bell, habanero, yellow banana, cayenne maybe? And so forth.

Noticing these pepper plants full of fruit, and wanting to make the most of whatever remains in the garden as my budget wanes, I picked whatever was ripe or verging on overripe, noting that many of the labels have washed away. Oh well. So there you have your backstory. If you're hungry, experimental, and just a little bit masochistic, as I am, I bet you're waiting for that recipe!

Pasta, with just a little bit O' Chemical Weaponry:

Pasta: Whatever the hell kinda pasta you have. For me, rainbow rotelle from TJ's was the pasta of the day.
cook according to the instructions. Or whatever. I cook to taste.
I usually sprinkle in a little Himalayan pink salt in. Because I think it has magical properties or something, and sometimes toss in a spoonful of olive oil and/or flavored vinegar. You know, because I'm fancy.

Topping of death:
Look what's in your 'fridge. Half an onion? Yes. several cloves of garlic? Obviously. Veggie Italian sausage? Because I'm vegetarian and eat to many carbs. That deformed bell pepper. Ok. And... oooh... what's this? Mystery peppers. But how hot are they? Won't know till I try 'em.

How many should you use? I suddenly remember hearing that in Thailand if you ask for something hot, and you're American, they automatically won't make it as hot as they would for a native from Thailand, unless you really really insist. Because when it comes to spicy, Americans are p*ssies. Well you're not a p*ssy, are you? Of course not. So you grab a handful of mystery peppers and get to choppin'! Watch your fingers, that knife is sharp.

While you are chopping, you notice: tears from peppers > tears from the onion. Who cares, keep chopping those peppers. Besides, frying them, and frying them, um... a lot, will take some of the heat out. Or something.

Throw it all in the pan. peppers first, you know, to cook the heat out. lean over the pan a little, just a little, and breathe like you normally would near a hot frying pan. You feel that? You just maced yourself with supper! Congratulations. Now pour yourself a big glass of milk or rice milk, or really, anything else that will neutralize the burning and hopefully salvage some of your stomach lining and enjoy your pasta/stirfry of death, because by god, you've earned it!
And hey, that sinus infection you've been fighting? Gone!

additional safety tip: after preparing the above meal, you may want to wash your hands with soap 5 or 6 times. Even then, you may want to avoid rubbing your eyes or... um, touching anything sensitive. Well, enough said.

Bon appetite! And, keep it classy! Because you know I always do. (wink)
Yours Truly,
The Blond Chef